Everyone’s Favourite Crack Whore

Loose It

Last night Jessica and I return to her place after dinner at Melissa’s.  Curling up into the couch; a lack of power and heat plagues half the apartment.

I have a few glasses of wine as we watch a documentary on growing up rich.  Around 12am we decide a run to Mac’s to get candy is in order.  In good spirits I suggest Jess drives us there.

I go in bymyself collecting sweet tarts, wine gums and 2 liters of coke.  A line wraps around the store and I, with eyes barely open begin listning to the ridiculous conversations going on around me.

I then hear the cashier say to a girl, ” Are you old enough to buy a lighter?”

I lost it in a fury of laughter.  One of those uncontrollable sittuations where you just can’t stop and continually try to cover your face since you look so ridiculous.  Those around me just stared.  Not knowing what to do or how to react.

Either way I thought it was hilarious.

Back Off Get Your Own Bagel

Once upon a time, three years ago to be exact, I sit in my Grade 12 law class when our teacher Mr. Morris sends a neighboring student and myself on a run to Tim Horton’s.

Waiting in the endless queue we finally place our order, waiting for my teachers bagel a man in a suit buts in front of me taking the next sandwich that I believed to be his.  When the attendant passes me mine I notice that it’s the wrong one.  The woman simply says the man must have taken mine. Not offering to replace it, I turn to the door pissed from the poor service with intent to fix this issue.

Mr. Morris is getting his bagel, I tell myself and lurk the parking lot for the asswhole who took it.  Suddenly I see him in his car leaving the parking lot.  After a short sprint I run to his car banging on the side of his doors for him to stop.  He opens the window and I say “ THAT’S MY BAGEL!”, as I grab it out of his hand in return throwing his back in.

So lesson for anyone in the future who thinks they can get away with swapping sandwiches; I will find you!

Tuesday night and my roommates tell me we are going to a cool bar with sick DJs on an outdoor patio.  Optimistically, I Imagine a rooftop sky bar overlooking the city.  But no, it was more like a restaurant patio in front of the Parliament buildings- not as classy as I had hoped.

After a few gin and gingers and an entire pitcher of Stella to myself, my confidence soars. I find myself talking to a girl at our table.  She begins telling me she’s German but her family moved to Ohio and now she’s in Ottawa going to Algonquin.  I’m not what you’d call a Don Juan; Kinda shy, a little unsure of myself, but tonight’s plan seems like it might work out.

As the night progresses, she begins telling me about her boyfriend.  Oh No, right?  Well in my mind I thought it wouldn’t be a problem, I mean she was pretty inebriated.

We end the night with a drunken dance where she repeatedly tries to dip me against my will.  Keep in mind this girl was maybe half my height if she’s lucky. We begin walking back to Sandy Hill when she insists we need to go to the METRO.  There she finds fettuccine Alfredo and even buys me one too.

At her place she pops her fettuccine in the microwave and as soon as it’s finished she grabs a fork and says, “Okay I’m going to my room, goodnight”,  leaves and shuts the door.  I, drunk as fuck and still in a good mood, pop mine in and then sit and eat with her roommates as they watch Alfred Hitchcock’s, BIRDS.

I finish and thank them for letting me enjoy my meal and continue on my way home.   I am strolling down the street when I notice a cat in the corner of my eye.  I look down and suddenly realized that it’s not a cat. It’s a skunk. I start running and so does he, both of us managing to avoid a fatal collision.

Well, I didn’t get any but at least I was fed right?

Can You Play….

Last night after plenty of tequila shots at Pier 21 we find ourselves in front of the band as they play the typical folk/older music expected.

Katie Kelly, grabs the attention of one of the band members and says, “Hey can you guys play Poker Face

Needless to say they didn’t know that one

Shrooms Make You Religious and Spiritual..duh

I love the bull shit they say at the end of the video, “Participants were psychologically prepped for 6-9 months”

Sooo this is how Curtains Work

Chris and I are chilling in Lou’s bedroom with her before we headed out for drinks when Lou begins talking about her window.  She begins simply, describing how big it was and then moved onto things she saw out of her window and finally about the blinds on the window itself.  Apparently not ever needing blinds living in rural BC , Lou was lost when it came to this complicated apparatus.  She explained that she thought that you had to tug the cord in a pattern.  She said, ‘Every time I would go tug-tug-tug it would work, and never any other way”.   I quickly explained that it was in fact not pattern operated  and that she should not spread such false lies.

F*** My Life

My new favourite website it Fmylife.COM.

“Today, after spending the night hanging out with a beautiful girl we start to walk back to my place. Halfway there she turns and says, “I wish you were a vampire” and goes back home. FML”

Cafe

Melissa and Vicky are eating a deadly amount of chocolate covered coffee beans one night sitting around on mattresses in our spare bedroom.  Jessica alerts us she is off to work.  Melissa and Vicky elated with caffeine begin singing, “Goodbye- Goodbye J-E-S-S-I-C-A!!!”  Over and over, until Jess comes in with a blank expression and Melissa and Vicky just say, “Uhh Sorry?”

Umm

“Unlike some other rabbits I’ve had, he’s really a gentle character — a gentle giant.”